Movie Watching

The movie is about what happens to you while you watch it. So, pay attention -- to both the movie and your response. If you have reactions to, or questions about, what you're seeing, chances are they'll tell you something about what the movie is doing. Be aware of your questions, emotions, apprehensions, expectations.

--from Jim Emerson's blog, Scanners

My girlfriend and I had a rather heated argument recently over (surprise) a movie. This tends to happen fairly frequently as we come at movies differently. She's more a casual movie watcher. Notice I use the word "casual" here and not "entertainment." As in, "Oh, I watch movies purely for entertainment." I'm not taking anything away from them, but I'd like to know what I'm doing. Watching movies to decrease my blood pressure? I happen to be entertained by movies, period, and I'd like to reclaim that right. I just don't happen to like only "up-beat" movies. I say that a well-made "depressing" movie brings me more joy than a poorly made piece of fluff. A well-made piece of fluff? Well, that's just fun.

That's basically where this argument started, over, of all movies, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. My girlfriend loved it. I didn't. I wanted a well-made piece of fluff. What I got was drudgery interspersed with fun. But what really got me was the end. (Don't worry, you can keep reading. I won't spoil anything.) Because there's this long scene which is boring and unnecessary and meandering and, UGH! I hated it! I kept asking myself, "What are we doing here?" Sure, plot stuff is resolved, but there were a hundred different ways to do it better.

So I'm sitting there...waiting...for something, when, boom! Surprise ending! Fade to black.

And everyone's ecstatic! "Oh, dude, that was awesome!" Everyone except me. Because I'm sitting there, still pissed off about the pointless scene that came before. And then I'm amazed at these people around me. Can they really have forgotten what came before? I'm saying they were as bored as I was, they just didn't realize it. Yes, I'm speaking for them. (And this is where my girlfriend got really pissed. Mostly because I told her she was bored. No, she was entranced by Orlando Bloom.) Perhaps that makes me an elitist asshole. I'm sorry. When a surprise comes along, they're so excited that they forget everything that came before. The whole movie could have been crap, but they don't care.

Why do we let movies get away with this? Would we do this with food? If I'm forced to eat a pile of green beans and then at the end, I'm suddenly rewarded with Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, am I thrilled? No. I'm pissed off.

It runs deeper than this, though. I went to a movie a while ago with some friends and a preview came on that was truly funny. I forget for what. My friends were laughing hysterically. I was, too. The whole theater was. When it ended, not one comment. Then a preview for Dumb and Dumberer came on. I listened. My friends maybe chuckled once. Audience, largely quiet. When it finished, what do my friends say? "Oh, we've got to see that!"

We've got to pay attention to what we're watching. We've got to realize when we're bored. We've got to realize when something's funny. We must pay attention to what we're seeing and how we're reacting. I don't think this is something that only critics should do. We owe it to ourselves. We can have better movies.

That same week, my girlfriend and I went to see Little Miss Sunshine. It, my friends, is a great movie. My girlfriend loved it. What was great was when she said, "You know, I really liked Pirates until I saw this movie." It's the long way around, but that's what I'm talking about.

Sick of Hollywood

That's it! I'm out. I want my old Hollywood back. The one that remembered how to make a summer blockbuster. The ones that were under two hours and fun. The days of Hollywood Lite. I don't want sodden character development and 2 1/2 hour run times leaching my fun summer movies of their fun! Give me my fun and give it to me now! Good gravy, man! I want my 1978 Superman. The one that I grew up with. The one that was fun. The one about Superman and not Lois Lane. (And by the way, Margot Kidder may not have been the ideal choice for Lois, but she certainly kicks Kate Bosworth's ass.) And why on earth does a pirate movie have to be so frickin' long? Show me buckles that swash, some Johnny Depp hijinks, and get me out of dodge. NO ONE BELIEVES THE LOVE STORY! There, free clue. Get it, Bruckheimer!

Because I hold Jerry Bruckheimer entirely responsible. Gore Verbinski directed both The Ring and The Weatherman which are both SHORTER than either of the Pirates movies. I suppose the length is for the themes that need- Sorry, I couldn't finish that joke. And there couldn't possibly be two different people on this great green earth who thought that both Pirates of the Caribbean movies and Bad Boys 2 had to be 2 1/2 hours long. No, that thought could only be conceived in one sick mind.

So this is me, calling out to Old Hollywood. The one from the mid-90's. Come back. Come back to me. Bring me Twister. Bring me Speed. Hell, I guess that means...bring me Jan de Bont.

Screw this. I'm going to pass out watching Elia Kazan's Pinky.